


contusion

by tablecloth



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Allusions to death, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Making Out, ambiguous ending, i fucking guess, implied sex, mild violence, spoilers for shinjiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 01:02:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tablecloth/pseuds/tablecloth
Summary: Shinjiro leans his head back against the wall and exhales. A fond frustration blooms in his chest as he thinks about how Aki only knows how to speak with his fists and his heart.(shinjiro & akihiko's interactions over september)





	contusion

**Author's Note:**

> here's the akishinji manifesto i've been sitting on for half a year... i'd never written anything this long before but i've found that life is full of surprises!!!

9/9 WEDNESDAY, EVENING

There's no need for a therapist when he's got a perfectly adequate proxy during every Dark Hour, Akihiko's decided. The impact of fist to shadow reverberates through his core, thrums naked thrill through his veins. Could a therapy session really match the same catharsis that pummeling shadows with just his knuckles and will does? He isn't so sure.

The shower after training is the high following climax. Whatever grime he carries back with him from the tower dissipates into market-brand bodywash scented steam and he's left with a clean sense of renewal. Translated hazily through the bathroom mirror are his chest and extremities, pinked from the heat. He wraps his towel around his hips and absentmindedly watches his reflection do the same.

As per protocol, Akihiko heads toward Shinji's bedroom. Dorm policy (decided upon after one too many arguments between Junpei and Yukari) states that the last person to use the shower must inform the next person on The List that the shower is free (The List being a monthly print-out pinned to the bulletin board noting a randomly assigned order for each person to shower). This month Akihiko is second-to-last before Shinji, so it's his responsibility to let Shinji know the bathroom's current state of occupancy. Akihiko raps his knuckles carefully against the door. It's late and Shinji could have fallen asleep.

The response beyond the wall is nothing less than Akihiko had been expecting, a muted "piss off," gruff and tired.

"All right, well I'm coming in anyway," Akihiko announces, and enters.

Shinji is on the bed hunched over himself, fingers pressed into his temples like he's trying to squeeze something out of his head. "You'd think Mitsuru could use some of that Kirijo money to fix a damn lock, huh." He doesn't necessarily direct the accusation at Akihiko but he says it loud enough that it obviously was not intended for only himself. His voice sounds the way a worn rubber band looks, consequently deflating whatever ego he's trying to bluff. A bud of unease lodges itself in the pit of Akihiko's stomach and sits like cement.

Akihiko takes a tentative step toward the bed and searches for words to say. He hadn't prepared for something like this when he was behind the door, but when is he ever prepared when he most needs to be?

"Are you--Is there, uh. Anything I can do for you?" He tries for a casual tone, knowing that if he sounds a certain way Shinji will just take it as condescension and get set off. He admits that Shinji can be volatile, that conversation with him can be a minefield, but life is for taking chances.

Shinji shifts his knuckles to the inner corner of his eyes, back tensing with the effort. "I'm fine _._ I can handle this on my own, thanks," he grits out, and the dismissive tone only further agitates Akihiko. Akihiko, against his better judgment, decides to press on.

"I could grab something, a first-aid kit or--or water, or anything, really. It wouldn't be a big deal."

"The most help you could give right now is shutting the hell up," Shinji snaps, thumbs driving into his temples, looking painful even from a distance. And so Akihiko does.

 

They're both silent for a while, Shinji roughly massaging his temples and Akihiko standing in the middle of the room, restless. He loosely crosses his arms over his pecs, a halfhearted effort against the September evening chill.

"Is this because of that--medication?" Akihiko asks when he's determined that enough time has passed. He's reluctant to even call it medication. It's not helping anyone, not really, and that's what medication exists for. Helping. He knows he shouldn't go here, that this is The Topic that will immediately send one of their fists into the other's jaw, but the question is already in the air. Shinji's shoulders go stiff. He drags his palms down his face, slowly, looking drained. He takes in a deep breath and speaks behind his hands.

"Aki," he drawls like a parent scolding their child. His words are muffled before he claps his palms together and rests his forehead against where the forefingers meet, eyes shut. He enunciates his words with patient emphasis. "For god's sake," he stresses the last word by jutting his hands forward and then breaking them apart, opening his eyes to look at Akihiko. "Don't come in here if you're just gonna act like a self-entitled brat." His hands stay suspended in front of him for a second as he levels his gaze with Akihiko's. He closes his eyes again and leans his head against the wall. "Wouldn't think I'd have to spell this shit out for you," he mutters as he turns his face toward the ceiling.

Akihiko bristles. _Self-entitled brat?_ Him? Where the hell does Shinji even--get off, calling him a brat? "If anyone here's a 'brat,' it's sure as hell not me."

Shinji raises his eyebrows in mock-surprise, which slides into an amused yet caustic expectancy. The irritation in his voice is thinly-veiled as he sits up, eyes on Akihiko. "Oh, _do_ tell, Aki. I'm dying to hear what I've done to make myself a brat in your nonpartisan eyes."

His patronizing tone (and the fact that his vocabulary is somehow better than Akihiko's) pisses Akihiko off, but the only fights he excels in are physical. He scrambles for the right words. "Well! You always hide stuff from everyone, including me, which is--I mean, you can't just keep everything to yourself all the time. So of course that gets really frustrating; you acting like no one's worthy of your trust, or something, that is." Even to his own ears he sounds petty and inconsiderate, but he forges on. "And, you--for years, everyone always talks about what a--great, fucking--chef, you are." This isn't the example he meant to bring up. "And it's fine that you've never let me try anything you've made, I understand that, but--" This is really not what he was going for when he opened his mouth, what the hell, "I mean--you'll cook for a dog? How am I supposed to take that?"

Shinji rolls his eyes. "At least treat him like one of us. 'A dog'? Come on."

Akihiko's face flushes in a mix of chagrin and anger. "He _is_ \--that's not the point I'm trying to make, damn it! Don't make me out to be such a--a--" he doesn't want to use the word 'brat', "--kid, Shinji," he fumes finally.

"What point are you trying to make, then?" Shinji asks, leaning back once more as he relaxes into the familiarity of arguing. "'Cause right now 't'seems like you're trying to chew me out for whatever random shit you come up with."

The point Akihiko wants to make eludes him in the moment but he knows enough about fighting to not let his hesitation show. "You push everyone away!" is what Akihiko comes up with, though this was not the direction he intended the conversation to lead. His hands ball into fists. "You call _me_ a brat but I'm not the one who keeps everything to himself, acting like he's some sort of fucking enigma no one will ever understand. That's _you_ , Shinji!"

Shinji's knuckles tighten imperceptibly against his bedsheets and he sighs exasperatedly before speaking. "Maybe I know things are better kept to myself. Maybe I _know_ I'm not worth wasting energy on. _May_ be I'm taking some initiative to save everybody the damn hassle. But you're right. Guess I'm the brat. And stop shouting."

His sarcasm makes Akihiko push down the instinct to hit something and that feeling manifests in his anger. "It's that!" He aggressively gesticulates in Shinji's direction. "That--that self-pity shit! You always turn things around to use against yourself, like you're the worst thing imaginable or something." Shinji opens his mouth to rebut but Akihiko continues, "But you're wrong! Because you deserve so much more than you let yourself have, and--" he is suddenly filled with something like inspiration, "--you always sell yourself short but in reality you're one of the greatest people I've ever met. I just don't know when the hell you're going to decide to get over this stuff and accept that you're a great person, Shinji! Because you are!" He moves toward Shinji and claps a hand on his shoulder, jostling him a bit, and Shinji starts slightly in response. "You're--god, I mean," Akihiko laughs a little disbelievingly, drawing his hand back to card through still-damp hair. "You cook gourmet meals for a dog. You make sure everybody's okay. And I know you act like you don't and it goes against your image or whatever, but you've got one of the biggest hearts of anybody I've met. You can't let one thing from the past dictate how you view yourself forever after that. Just...--" he doesn't know where to go with this anymore. "Just try to see yourself how I see you. I guess." He shifts a little uncomfortably and is reminded that he's in only a towel. He crosses his arms back over his chest. A few moments pass without a response. "Say something," Akihiko prompts.

Shinji sighs through his nose and closes his eyes. "Get out of my room."

"Shinji--"

"I'm not saying it again," Shinji says, the finality of it unquestionable. Akihiko chooses his battles for once and resignedly decides to leave.

"The shower's free, by the way," Akihiko remembers to say as he's heading out.

He doesn't shut the door behind him and Shinji seethes.

\--

Shinjiro leans his head back against the wall and exhales. A fond frustration blooms in his chest as he thinks about how Aki only knows how to speak with his fists and his heart.

\--

9/10 THURSDAY, EARLY MORNING

_It's so rare for an unbidden, authentic smile to be on Shinji's face that its presence absolutely delights Akihiko. He can barely see it in the dim light but he knows for certain that it's there. Shinji's smiling the way he would before high school (before SEES, before Amada), no weight of bad conscience dulling the shine in his eyes. He looks younger this way but that's probably because it's been far too long since Akihiko saw it last. He's so absorbed in the novelty of Shinji's laugh that he's forgotten what was funny in the first place--did one of them crack a joke? And isn't it peculiar how they're at home again? But everything is so comfortable that he doesn't think too hard on it._

_The atmosphere is humid but pleasant as the two sit in the home's custodial closet, sides squished together in the tight space. The slivers of light outlining the door are uninterrupted, suggesting that Miki is probably still scouring the dormitory for them. It's strange that they both decided to hide in here but Akihiko can barely finish that line of thought before Shinji playfully knocks his shoulder into Akihiko's own. It makes the shelf above them rattle._

_"Hey!" Akihiko whispers with a laugh, lightly elbowing Shinji in return, "Cut it out or she'll find us."_

_Shinji shrugs. "It's not the worst thing that could happen," he says, and a foreboding chill crawls up Akihiko's spine in response._

_As if on cue, Shinji surprises the both of them with a cough that shakes the closet far more than a cough would warrant. He continues coughing, fist against his lips and other hand bracing the floor as he curls over himself. Akihiko asks if he's okay but the coughs only grow harder, crescendoing unnaturally until they reach an abrupt stop. The fist Shinji had to his lips dips a little, limp, and a rush of apprehension floods Akihiko._

_"Shinji...?" He jostles Shinji's shoulder to no avail and feels cold fear seep deep into his bones. He reaches over and takes Shinji's chin between his forefinger and thumb, turning his face in his direction._

_The pallid face in his hand is not Shinji's; the features are slack and the eyes are empty, devoid of life. Akihiko repeats his name again, voice trembling. He knows what this is. He knows what Apathy Syndrome is, he sees it all the damn time. But--_ Shinji? _The small room is suddenly far too small and it's becoming difficult to breathe. Akihiko shakes Shinjiro's shoulders, desperate. Shinjiro's lips form vacantly around unintelligible syllables and all that leaves his mouth is a long groan. It drones on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and--_

Akihiko wakes up with a sharp intake of breath, drenched in a cold sweat. He tugs his bedsheets off of himself, heart pounding and nausea knotting his stomach. Outside his door he can hear the droning of a vacuum. Yamagishi's probably getting cleaning done before school.

\--

9/12 SATURDAY, EVENING

He doesn't think before stopping Shinji in the hall. There's no Tartarus tonight and he already knows that Shinji doesn't have plans. The question slides out faster than he has time to process it himself.

"Hey, do you want to do something tonight? A movie or something?" Akihiko lets his fingers drop from where he'd grabbed Shinji's bicep for attention. "It'd just be in my room but I figure we haven't done anything like that in a while." That's an understatement.

Shinji takes a moment, and whether he's actually using the time to debate whether to accept the offer Akihiko can't tell. "...Yeah, okay." Shinji nods, and Akihiko feels an irrational sense of pride at this small success, if it can be called that. "Be there in a bit," he adds, and Akihiko notices the shower supplies tucked under Shinji's other arm as they part.

 

Akihiko's in the midst of angling the TV so it faces his bed when Shinji knocks on the door with a muttered "hey."

The damp post-shower scent of soap and inexpensive aftershave hits Akihiko when he opens the door. It fazes him for a second, the combination oddly intoxicating. Shinji's hair is still wet and messy, probably hastily towel-dried, and he's got on a plain long sleeve t-shirt with dogbone-patterned fleece pajama pants (they were a gift). Shinji's outfit makes Akihiko acutely aware of his own ensemble of boxer briefs and t-shirt, if only for a moment, but he's brought back to himself at the sound of Shinji's voice.

"So how are we doing this?" He asks, walking past Akihiko into the room. His gaze flits over Akihiko's boxing trophies, then the bed, then the ottoman, then the TV.

"I thought we could just watch from the bed," Akihiko says, shutting the door. Shinji folds his arms and pauses, appearing to think on the suggestion. He drops his arms when he's decided and moves toward the bed.

"Alright I guess. Your call." Shinji loiters beside the bed, waiting to follow Akihiko's lead onto the mattress. They end up seated above the sheets, Akihiko on the side closest to the wall. He grabs the remote from the end of the bed and turns the TV on.

They flip through cable channels for a while. Akihiko doesn't own many movies of his own and he'd also have to get permission from Yukari to borrow her DVD player, so the two are left with the gamble of general television. Shinji eventually insists that Akihiko hand the remote to him, asserting that he's "not going to watch one of your senseless action movies," and they end up on an old, low-budget cop drama.

They're leaned against pillows Akihiko placed against the headboard, both with their legs crossed. Their knees are touching, Akihiko's bare knee pressing into Shinji's clothed one, and the physical contact is surprisingly pleasant. Shinji still smells good, the air around him feels clean and home-y, and Akihiko unthinkingly gravitates toward that.

They don't take the film seriously, they _can't_ with the acting and camerawork the way they are. So they make jokes throughout its screentime, the environment feeling lighter between the two than it has in a long time. Each time Akihiko sees or makes Shinji laugh, the same sense of inexplicable pride from earlier bubbles in his chest and he laughs along in response.

Something has Shinji laughing hard when he starts coughing, the smooth tenor of his laugh diverging into something harsh and discordant. The fit doesn't last that long, not as long as it could, anyway, but the vague framework of a memory Akihiko can't quite put a finger on makes him uncharacteristically nervous. He takes Shinji's face in his hands once he's finished coughing, turning it toward him to check to see if--he's not actually entirely sure why he needed to see Shinji's face. Shinji looks at him, brows knit and shoulders defensive, but his eyes suggest concern. "I'm fine, it happens. What's your deal?" Shinji asks. Neither seem to consider that Shinji hasn't taken Akihiko's palms off of his cheeks.

"Sorry, it was nothing. Just--" Akihiko doesn't even know where to go with that so he cuts himself off, bringing his hands to his lap. "Yeah," he finishes inanely. Shinji doesn't respond, just looks over Akihiko's face, and that combined with the background audio of poorly-mixed dialogue over gunshots makes Akihiko restless. "Uh," he starts as a means of forcing himself into saying something. He glances at Shinji and straightens out a bit, shifting himself so he's parallel to the headboard, facing Shinji directly. He takes in a deep breath. "Thanks for coming back, Shinji. I know this isn't your favorite place, and I know you probably have your own reasons for joining SEES again, but--" he looks Shinji over, taking in the fact that he's really here right now, watching a dumb movie with him and not sitting in some back alley, and he's overcome with inscrutable emotion. He braces his thighs as he talks because he isn't sure of what else to do with them. "You're just--you're so--" he's feeling too much to get his words out right, "It's just awesome having you back around. I missed you. A lot. And I know we argue but-- _god_ , you don't know how great it is to fight alongside you again." He realizes he's rambling and stops short.

Shinji's expression is hard to read; his lips are just barely upturned and his eyebrows are arched in either a way that says he's entertained or confused. The line of his shoulders has softened, though, the way it does when Koromaru greets him at the door. "Where'd that come from?" he asks.

Akihiko feels warmth radiate up his neck and is fairly sure his face is pink right now but he can't be certain. He decides to diverge in order to get attention off of whatever it was that he just did, and looks back to the TV for assistance. He answers Shinji's question with another question, something mundane concerning the protagonist's brother-in-law, and Shinji graciously lets it slide.   

\--

It's during the third movie that Aki keeps drifting off, becoming lucid with a start each time his head thumps back against his pillow, only to be lulled right back into sleep. When Aki's head inevitably thumps against the pillow and he doesn't wake up, Shinjiro extracts himself from under the blankets and takes it upon himself to adjust Aki so he's lying comfortably. He pulls the comforter up to Aki's shoulders and idles above him. He hesitantly brings a hand to Aki's face, unsure whether he can touch him, and very gently brushes a gray eyelash off of his cheek. He lets his hand linger on Aki's cheek just a moment longer--for someone so pale, he's so warm--until he emerges from his brief reverie. "Night, idiot," Shinjiro says, quiet and tender, before carefully getting off of the bed.

Shinjiro hits the remote's power button on his way out and the television shuts off with the high-pitched zap that accompanies CRT TVs. The sound apparently rouses Aki from his sleep because Shinjiro's hand hasn't even reached the doorknob when he hears a sleepy "Huh? Shinji?" from across the room. Shinjiro sighs and turns in Aki's direction.

"Going to bed," he explains concisely.

"Stay here," Aki says, drowsy and too genuine.

Shinjiro figures he'll humor him. "For the night?" he asks. Aki affirms and Shinjiro raises his eyebrows, though chances that Aki can really see in this lighting are slim. "On your floor? Not sure if my back can take that." He turns toward the door again. "Just go back to sleep, meathead."

Shinjiro can hear the chafing of fabric on fabric and looks back once more to find Aki sitting up and pulling the sheets back. "Here," he insists, gesturing with the sheet, and the clumsiness of his movements makes Shinjiro think Aki's not entirely awake.

"I'm not--" Shinjiro begins, but it's overlapped by Aki.

"Shinji..." Aki practically whines, leaned against the headboard now because he can barely keep himself upright, and Shinjiro curses himself for being played too easily.

"Fine," he says, and gets back under the covers, facing away from Aki. "Night."

\--

Akihiko presses his back against Shinji's and it reminds him of battle, of how good they fight together, of how good they _are_ together, and he smiles languidly. "G'night."

\--

9/15 TUESDAY, EVENING

Akihiko's taking a night walk when he spots Shinji just down the street. He jogs to catch up to him and seems to startle Shinji when he speaks. "Where have you been?" he asks.

Shinji quickly averts his gaze and pushes his hands farther into his pockets. "Hm?"

"I haven't seen you since we trained the other day."

He scoffs, cutting. "Didn't realize I had to check in with you every time I went to take a piss."

Akihiko fumes instinctively. "What?" he shouts, moving in front of Shinji with fists clenched. He doesn't recognize the exhaustion in Shinji's demeanor until he pushes right past Akihiko.

"Not right now, Aki," he says, but he doesn't get very far before he starts coughing, hard. It flips a switch in Akihiko and suddenly the anger is drained from him, replaced with uncertainty and worry. He approaches Shinji as the coughing dies down and asks if he's okay.

Shinji swats him away. "Don't fucking baby me," he growls, and Akihiko's combative desire reignites itself.

"Why don't you stop dismissing concern as 'babying'?" Akihiko shoves him.

"Why don't you stop being concerned for me?" Shinjiro shoves him back.

"Why don't you learn that I can't stop being concerned for you?" Akihiko shoves harder.

"Why the fuck are you concerned in the first place?" Shinjiro shoves back just as hard. Akihiko could answer the first question but this one trips him up, throws off the short rhythm they had going. Shinji must sense it, the way their eyes meet in the blip of time that Akihiko doesn't automatically retort. Akihiko flounders internally for what to do. Habit tells him he can't leave his end open like this; if this were a match and he didn't improvise something, he'd be done for. So he does the first thing that comes to him, rushing into Shinji and hugging him hard.

By the way Shinji tenses at the contact, there is no way he could have been expecting this course of action, but Akihiko didn't expect it either. "What's gotten into you?" Shinjiro asks, but Akihiko just keeps his face in the crook of Shinji's neck and squeezes him tighter, letting that speak for itself. He's not good with articulating how he feels, he's already proven that. Shinji's arms wrap around Akihiko's torso, uncertain. His head follows, resting precariously on Akihiko's shoulder before he relaxes into it. They both take in a steady breath.

\--

9/17 THURSDAY, EVENING

Shinji responds to Akihiko's knock with a "What," so Akihiko discerns that as permission to enter. He's taken by surprise when the door handle doesn't turn with ease.

"It's me," Akihiko clarifies, and only a few seconds pass before the shuffling sounds from within the room come closer and the door's lock clicks. The door opens and Shinji looks him over.

"What do you want," he asks, but he says it like a statement.

"It's my night to walk Koromaru. Do you want to come with us?" Akihiko pitches.

Shinji doesn't miss a beat as he says "No," shutting the door as he does so. Akihiko's foot stops the door from closing all the way, however, and he decides to barter.

"We were going to go to Iwatodai. You could choose where we eat."

Shinji contemplates the offer, probably figuring it'd be better for Akihiko to eat out than just drink his protein shakes. "Fine," he concedes rather easily. "Let me just change first."

It's not until Shinji mentioned changing that Akihiko realizes Shinji's actually in boxers, not some variation of pant. It's been--what? Years? Since Akihiko has seen more than a glimpse here or there of Shinji's actual body. His legs are unexpectedly skinny given how much bigger his typical layers and personality make him seem.

 

They end up at Hagakure by Shinji's request, which is kind of funny considering the healthier options nearby. It's busy tonight apparently, a corporate rendezvous or something judging by the middle-aged men in suits, so they have to sit at a table with Koromaru rather than their usual counter. Akihiko speculates to himself that Shinji doesn't tend to try new things but neither does he, not really.

Shinji orders for both himself and Koromaru and that weird sense of pride blossoms in Akihiko's chest again. Maybe it's not so much a pride but an--admiration? Affection? Shinji's just so different from how people perceive him to be and Akihiko wishes everyone could see it. They think he's some hardened, reprobate drop-out when he's really the same guy who just ordered a legitimate meal for a dog.

"The hell are you smiling at?" Shinji asks Akihiko, breaking him out of his thoughts. Akihiko doesn't know how to answer, he hadn't even realized he'd been smiling. His face flushes as he fumbles for an answer. Koromaru barks happily and interrupts the conversation by nuzzling into Shinji's hand to be pet. Akihiko makes a mental note to give him treats later.

\--

Eating together is weird. Normally at the counter they're faced in the same direction, but right now they are unequivocally facing one another. It's a little uncomfortable, at least for Shinjiro. He keeps avoiding eye contact with Aki or intentionally diverts his attention to Koro-chan. Shinjiro's chewing on noodles and petting behind Koro's ears when Aki stops in the middle of what he was saying to ask "Why aren't you looking at me?"

Shinjiro chokes on his noodles, surprised and a little chagrined. He makes unsure eye contact with Aki, looks away, looks back, and answers with "'s'just weird." Aki's brows furrow and Shinjiro feels his face heat up a bit. He swallows his food before elaborating. "Sitting like this. Y'know," he gesticulates with his chopsticks, "at a table. Can't explain it, I guess. It just feels different."

Aki thinks about it and nods. "Yeah... Yeah, I think I get that. Normally this kind of thing," he motions, indicating the space between them, "is reserved for girls, huh?" He chuckles. "I guess it is weird, now that I think about it."

Shinjiro looks at his emptied bowl. "Right. Well, we should probably get heading back now." He stands up and Koro-chan gets up too, wagging his tail and circling Shinjiro. "Don't want Mitsuru forcing Yamagishi to track us down or nothin'."

"You're right," Aki agrees, and slides out of the seat.

\--

They're just passing Naganaki Shrine when Akihiko does the thing that he knows he shouldn't. "Those fits you get..." he starts off, tentative, glancing at Shinji for a gauge of how this might unfold, "they're because of the suppressants. Right?"

Akihiko supposes he was both expecting and not expecting Shinji's reaction. He's prepared for the quick shift to defense (Shinji's body language on a basic level is pretty easy to read, taut shoulders and hands-in-pockets is a good sign that he's uncomfortable) but he's not as prepared for the quick shift to prosecution and paranoia.

"Oh, so _that's_ why you invited me," Shinji says, tone sour and knowing.

Akihiko doesn't quite follow. "Huh?"

"Getting some good gossip, huh? Some intel so the Kirijo Group can run some tests on me? Well I don't recall it being any of your fucking business."

Akihiko is flabbergasted. "What the hell?" he tries, but Shinji continues.

"Or maybe you just wanted some more fodder for your power complex. Nothing more satisfying than knowing how pitiful your competition is, right?" Shinjiro isn't looking at him as he spits the accusation, isn't looking at anything in particular, just keeps walking.

"Where the hell is this coming from? I just care about you, you asshole," Akihiko says, punctuating _asshole_ with a punch to Shinji's arm. That gets him to stand still and turn toward Akihiko.

"Ow, fuck, what's your problem?" Shinji elbows him by reflexive response.

"What's _your_ problem?" Akihiko shouts. "I was just asking because you don't tell me anything!" He shoves Shinji and Shinji shoves back and they can both tell where this is heading.

Shinji tells Koromaru to go home. Koro whines but eventually leaves the two to their own devices.

\--

They're both out of breath and bloody and bruised by the time they're done with one another. The adrenaline pumping through them makes them feel renewed, sitting on gravel with pebbles digging into their palms.

Shinjiro shuffles over to Aki on his knees and pulls out a handkerchief from his pocket. He presses the napkin to Aki's nose, trying to soak up the blood Aki had been trying (and failing) to sop up with his tie.

"You're an idiot," Shinjiro says, but there's no bite to it.

Aki moves a bit under Shinjiro's hand, shifting his weight absent-mindedly. "What can I say, you've got a mean right hook," he says lightly, voice muffled by congestion.

Shinjiro applies some more calculated pressure to Aki's nose and with his other hand idly feels the bump blossoming on his own jaw. "You too, buddy." Aki snorts at that and more blood gushes from his nose as a result. Shinjiro fondly calls him a dumbass and folds the handkerchief over itself in order to get it to absorb more blood. He looks Aki over as they sit, one hand holding the napkin and the other keeping them balanced. Neither of them speak for a good few moments, the ambience built on the cicadas' chirping, the boys' harsh breathing, and the ringing in Shinjiro's ears.

Aki eventually extracts the handkerchief from Shinjiro's hand and presses it to his nose himself. "I can at least do this much," he contends.

"Alright, whatever," Shinjiro doesn't debate. He just brings his hands back to himself and the drop in temperature is immediately evident. "Just thought I'd help since you wouldn't be like this if it weren't for me."

Maybe Aki's still a little disoriented from the impact to his head, or maybe from the blood loss, but he laughs. "You think I'd have it any other way?"

\--

9/20 SUNDAY, EVENING

Shinji's the last person Akihiko expects to be at his door, so he tells Shinji exactly that when he opens it.

"Do you have a minute?" Shinji asks, Akihiko's comment unacknowledged. Shinji's bruises have browned just a little around the edges, but they are still prominently a deep purple (just as Akihiko's are). He enters and shuts the door behind him, crossing his arms over his chest. Akihiko is apprehensive because Shinji looks serious and he's about to ask what's up when Shinji overlaps him with a gruff, "What do you want."

Akihiko can feel his brows knit together in confusion before he can even consider how he's going to emote. "What do I want?" he parrots, bemused.

Shinji's cheeks goes from pink to red and Akihiko hadn't even noticed they'd been pink until now. Shinji keeps his gaze resolutely on the wall. "For dinner. What do you want to eat."

Akihiko's taken aback a little given Shinji's made a point of never cooking for him, and can't help himself from thinking he's misunderstanding. "You're _cooking_?"

Shinji glances at him for less than a second before changing course and focusing his eyes on Akihiko's shelves of trophies. His voice is strained. "Not tonight. But--yeah. So what do you want."

It would be a stretch to say Akihiko really gets Shinji's angle right now, but he thinks on the question anyway. "I--hmm..." he fills the silence as he mulls the topic over. He doesn't exactly have an expansive palette. In fact, he's probably only eaten a fraction of a fraction of the foods that exist. "I don't know that many dishes, actually..." he decides to start with. "I like beef bowls."

Shinji barks out a laugh, probably harder than he intended because of how tense he is, and actually looks at Akihiko. "Yeah? A beef bowl?" His shoulders relax a bit and he moves his hands into his jacket pockets. "You've begged me to cook for you for years and your meal of choice is a beef bowl?" Akihiko's face heats up at the gripe.

"Well, yeah! I like beef bowls!" Now he's the one crossing his arms. "Ask the others, if my beef bowl is too... unsophisticated, or something, for your refined tastes." His face only feels hotter as he goes on because words are defecting on him right now. Shinji laughs again.

"I'm just messing with you, dummy," Shinji says, and the name is so mild and playful that Akihiko thinks Shinji must not be in his right mind. "A beef bowl is fine." He starts to turn back to the door. "And the others don't have to do with this anyway," he adds.

Akihiko's in the process of calming back down so the annexed statement doesn't make sense to him. "What do you mean?"

"Just be prepared for the best beef bowl you've ever had, Aki," he promises as he exits. Akihiko stands still in Shinji's wake, wondering what the hell he's up to.

\--

9/22 TUESDAY, EVENING

Akihiko only makes it to the staircase landing before he's buffeted by the scent of something unfamiliar to the dorm (something good). "Whoa, what's that smell?" he asks (unbeknownst to him, that is the exact thing everyone else has said upon entering the building). Yamagishi is standing by the bulletin board and looks over to Akihiko.

"Shinjiro-senpai is making dinner, I believe. He asked that we allow him space to concentrate," she explains, quiet and polite.

"Yeah but he won't even let us have any!" Akihiko can hear Junpei yelling from the couch, sounding petulant. By the frustration in his voice, Akihiko guesses that Junpei's been complaining about this for a while, now. "You can't just cook something like that and not let us at least try a bite! Dude, I'm _starving_ ." He emphasizes the last word but it is fairly safe to assume that he is not actually starving. Yukari says something argumentative in response but Akihiko is already heading toward the kitchen area, having lost concentration after _Shinjiro is making dinner_.

Shinji's apparently putting garnish on a bowl when he looks up at the sound of Akihiko's approach. "Good timing," he says, before going back to garnishing. Akihiko watches in awe, Shinji's hands meticulously decorating the beef bowl with ease.

Akihiko sits himself on a stool, eyes still glued to Shinji's hands. "This is for me, right?" He glances at Shinji and then back to the bowl. "That's why you were asking the other day?"

"Astute deduction, Aki. Maybe there's something in that thick skull of yours after all," he says with a grin he appears to be fighting.

"Oh, shut up," Akihiko quips back, but he laughs anyway. He notices that Shinji's wearing an apron and suddenly he's overwhelmed once again by that prideful sensation, the one that makes him almost giddy with lightheadedness. He's brought back into himself a bit when he sees Shinji grabbing chopsticks and words spill out of him without effort. "No wonder people always say you're a great cook. This is--shit, Shinji, this is incredible." Shinji slides the bowl over to him with a pair of chopsticks as he unties his apron with his other hand.

"Presentation isn't everything, Aki. Don't compliment the chef 'til you've actually tried his food."

\--

Shinjiro moves around the counter and places himself on the stool beside Aki. Aki's busy chowing down so he doesn't give much acknowledgement, but that's fine. He leans his elbow on the wood and rests the side of his jaw on his knuckles, quietly watching Aki.

After Aki's made a solid dent in the bowl, Shinjiro clears his throat and prompts him with a "So?"

Aki wipes his mouth with a napkin and turns himself on the stool so he's facing Shinjiro. His enthusiasm is contagious and it makes Shinjiro want to smile along with him. "You really weren't kidding when you said this'd be the best beef bowl of my life. This is--" Aki's eyes are bright with something akin to awe and he pauses before puffing out an incredulous chuckle. "You're amazing," he concludes, and Shinjiro knows by the way the tips of his ears are burning that his face is flushed. He's about to probably say something really stupid but Aki inadvertently cuts him off by turning back to his bowl. "We can talk later once I'm done with this," Aki elects, and Shinjiro coughs a relieved laugh in response.

"Alright."

\--

Akihiko offers that they go up to his room to hang out after he helps Shinji clean up.

"Didn't realize you're the type to leave the light on," Shinji comments as they enter Akihiko's room, and Akihiko huffs in response.

"I only went downstairs to grab something to eat," he justifies. "I figured I'd be back within a few minutes." He sits on his bed and Shinji follows after him, the two side-by-side on its edge.

"Yeah, well, what you got was better than a protein bar. Right?" There's something in his voice that suggests that maybe he actually is uncertain, so Akihiko angles himself in Shinji's direction, leaning one arm on the mattress for leverage.

"Are you kidding? I know I already said it, but your food is out of this world. Seriously."

Shinji nods and the self-doubt seems to drain from his previously tense fingers. "Good."

"But--why tonight?" Akihiko begins. Really, he's been curious about this since Shinji had said he was going to be cooking. "I thought you were dead-set on not cooking for me. Why the change of heart?"

Shinji looks at him and then backs himself up until he's sitting against the wall, Akihiko rearranging himself in turn so they face each other. "Seriously?" he asks, brows raised.

Akihiko doesn't quite get what's supposed to be so obvious here. "Am I supposed to know?" he asks, then sits for a moment looking at nothing as he tries to solve the puzzle. When he takes a little too long to figure it out, Shinji lets out an exasperated laugh and playfully punches Akihiko's shoulder.

"Your birthday, stupid."

Akihiko's eyes widen and then narrow. "My--" he instinctively turns toward the calendar on his desk which is too far to see, "It's the 22nd already?"

"Well, good thing one of us can keep track of time," Shinji chuckles, and Akihiko is speechless for a moment.

He's bombarded by that prideful feeling except this time it's piercing and shreds at his insides. He barks out an incredulous laugh. "What the hell!" His dull nails dig into his own thumb and he repeats the same exclamation, same laugh, quieter.

Akihiko feels the press of heat behind his eyes and a knot in the back of his throat and he knows what this means but it hasn't happened in so long, especially not in front of Shinji, so he fights it. He wants to play his cards right, maintain some semblance of dignity. He pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. He takes a sharp breath in and pushes out "Isn't that funny?" But he can already feel where behind his eyelids is wet, and his throat aches the longer he holds this off. He tries another laugh but it ends up choked out on a sob and Akihiko knows it's over.

"Oh, fuck, Aki--" Shinji shuffles closer so he can physically turn Akihiko back in front of him, and Akihiko immediately hugs him tight. He buries his face in Shinji's chest, a last venture to avoid total humiliation.

\--

Shinjiro tentatively mirrors Aki; he's not entirely versed on the ins and outs of physical contact, so he sort of boxes his arms around Aki, very gently rubbing his back. He settles his cheek against the top of Aki's head and closes his eyes for courage. He's never been particularly apt with emotional support but he's been on the unwitting receiving end often enough for some guidelines. Patronizing Aki is the last thing he wants to do, but he opts that saying at least something is better than nothing.  He really doesn't know what he can do other than mumble generic comfort phrases, and so he does just that.

Whenever Aki cries, it's about some breach of ethics or a death or something, but right now involves neither of those things and that leaves Shinjiro uneasy and off-guard. A quiet sob wracks through Aki's body and he squeezes Shinjiro tighter. He lets his arms relax and squeezes Aki back. A burning wet heat grows where Aki's face is hidden against his shirt, and Shinjiro feels markedly helpless.

\--

It takes a little time but Akihiko eventually calms down enough to take unsteady deep breaths and untangle himself from Shinji. He goes to wipe his face on his own shirt but Shinji stops him.

"Hold on," Shinji says, and tugs a handkerchief from his back pocket. He hands it to Akihiko, muttering something about himself being a dumbass for having forgotten about it. Akihiko takes it with a grateful nod and wipes his face before blowing his nose into the napkin.  

"I--" Akihiko begins, but the hoarseness of his voice reminds him of the situation which triggers more waterworks. He sniffles and mutters a "damn it" as he refolds the handkerchief in order to wipe his face again. The bed squeaks as Shinji leans over him at an odd angle and Akihiko realizes he's grabbing the box of tissues from off of his desk.

Shinji hands the box to him with a "here," and Akihiko appreciatively accepts it, putting aside the handkerchief. When his breathing has calmed down enough and he's pretty sure he won't break down the second he opens his mouth, he takes in a deep breath for assurance.

"Sorry, ha," he says, avoiding eye contact. His voice sounds too stuffy so he blows his nose again, seeking some sort of normalcy. Shinji sighs and gently places his hands on either side of Akihiko's face, rubbing his thumbs in circles over his cheekbones. His fingers are refreshingly freezing against overheated skin.

"You wanna talk about it?" Shinji asks, soft. Akihiko can't avoid eye contact at this distance and he hasn't seen Shinji look so invested in something in a long time.

\--

"I just--" Aki starts and stops, taking in a sharp breath and humorlessly laughing it back out before continuing. "It was just, that--" he laughs again in a self-defeating way and it makes Shinjiro's stomach twist with discomfort. "God, it's pathetic. I just--I don't know. Everything just hit me, you--" he breaks off for a second to collect himself, fighting down a sob. He pulls Shinjiro's wrists down from his face and holds them near his lap as he regains composure. He pauses before continuing with "You know?"

"Not really," Shinjiro says honestly, but he wants to know. He wants to be able to help because he doesn't like seeing Aki so uncharacteristically broken like this.

Aki smiles wryly. "Alright, let me try again. It's like. Hmm." He thinks for a second. "It's like everything at once--you, us, home, Mitsuru, SEES, Miki, it just--I'm no good at explaining, but," he releases Shinjiro's wrists to blow his nose again before continuing. "I guess I don't need to get into all of it. Don't think I'm sad, though. I'm not. Um," he coughs out a sheepish laugh, "I'm probably the opposite, actually. It feels good, I think." He considers his words and nods, satisfied.

Shinjiro is contemplative before speaking. "You really never change, do you?"

Aki sniffles and wipes vagabond tears from his face, his voice beginning to return to normal register. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Shinjiro shakes his head with a smirk and ruffles Aki's hair. "Nothing, you crybaby."

"Hey!" Aki lightly shoves him and Shinjiro starts laughing, shoving him back. They play-wrestle like that for a few long moments, laughing and cursing each other. By the time they're out of breath, Shinjiro is balanced above Aki on locked arms. Shinjiro huffs out another laugh, relishing the return to familiar ground.

\--

Their proximity isn't necessarily something novel, but something about it right now, tonight, at this moment, makes it feel much different from the other times they've been in this position. What exactly makes it different is dubious, but it's definitely different. Akihiko slides himself up on onto his elbows and Shinji naturally backs up a bit to give him room, just like Akihiko expects him to. Shinji's knees are still planted on the outskirts of Akihiko's thighs, but it's not as though that's ever been a problem before so there's no reason to think anything of it. Akihiko glances at Shinji's chest and winces. "Sorry for messing up your shirt."

Shinji looks down at his turtleneck which is stained with translucent tears and snot and spit and seems genuinely surprised to find it there. "Shit, I didn't even think about this," he says, and sits up and back onto Akihiko's shins to pull it off. The action draws an unusual amount of attention from Akihiko and he isn't sure what the hell is up with him--Shinji's got an undershirt on anyway, so it's not like--what is it not like? What was that? What was he even thinking about? Akihiko can feel his face heat at the stray thought but it's probably still ruddy from crying so it shouldn't be a problem.

\--

Shinjiro figures it would probably be weird to lean back down now, so he rolls himself off of Aki and instead lies next to him, arm at a 45 degree angle in order to support his head. Aki turns on his side as well so they're facing each other and gives a little smile. Shinjiro wonders what the hell is with this atmosphere because that smile ruins him, absolutely wrecks him, and it takes all his willpower to just reciprocate the smile and not say something totally inane. He can't remember the last time he felt this good--and should he? Be feeling good? Considering that Aki was just fucking sobbing. But now everything feels okay, better than okay, he feels high with how good things feel. So maybe that's what gives him the initiative to reach over to Aki and gently brush a hair that really wasn't that out of place off of his temple, to let his fingertips trail the outline of Aki's face, to say "Happy birthday, Aki," in a timbre that he truly did not intend.

\--

Akihiko decides that it's dangerous. Lying here with Shinji, disoriented from the discord of emotions he's run through in such little time; there's no doubt that this is dangerous. But Akihiko is drawn to danger, adores danger, and he likes to think that it's the danger of the situation that's thrumming heat through him, not the indescribable way Shinji says his name.

Akihiko isn't sure who's in control when his hand moves to loosely clasp Shinji's wrist, because that was most definitely not an action he intended on. He feels like this moment should feel less real than it does, slowed down for the sake of suspense. Everything is happening in real-time and he's too distracted and flustered at the notion that he's even thinking about kissing his best friend to be able to keep up with what's happening. Hypothetically, just theoretically, were Akihiko to kiss Shinji, wouldn't this moment beforehand feel different than it does? But it doesn't. It feels no different from any other thing they've done together and it throws him off. A kiss--a kiss should be important and dramatic! But that only goes to show how laughably inexperienced he is, doesn't it?

He's mindlessly tracing shapes over the pulse in Shinji's wrist with his thumb, once again unsure of who is in charge of his actions right now. The tension is--heady? Is that a good word for it? He's not used to this, has never been in such an intimate position with anyone else (nevermind Shinji of all people--though maybe Shinji _is_ the closest he's been to someone). Akihiko's gaze jumps from Shinji's lips to his eyes, and he doesn't even feel like himself right now. The way Shinji looks back at him makes him think that he's right about this, that kissing is the perfect thing to do in a moment like this. He decides to just go for it, to throw that first punch, and lifts himself toward Shinji. "We could--" he begins.

Both are startled when Shinji pulls away hard, an inhaled wheeze metamorphosing into rough, painful-sounding coughs.

\--

Shinjiro's immediately too consumed in coughing to even have the capacity to consider--whatever he believed was just happening. A searing pain blooms through his chest and it feels like his lung tissue fucking ripped or something, but he knows it didn't. This just happens. It's fine. Aki is pestering him but he can't be bothered to think right now, shoves him with a "Just--shut up. Shut up."

 

When he gets ahold of himself again, his lungs and throat are raw. He opens his eyes to find Aki just staring at him from beside the bed, earnest distress painting all of his features. He's not sure how long he was coughing--maybe longer than usual? He wipes spittle from his bottom lip, feeling lightheaded in a way where everything's just a little not right. He can't place what it is that doesn't feel right which only serves to make him dizzy and irritated.

"That's because of the suppressants?" Aki asks, pushing a water bottle into Shinjiro's hands, but it's not so much a question as it is an unsure statement requesting validation. Shinjiro rolls his eyes and nods because he doesn't feel fit to talk yet, nor does he really want to give vocal confirmation that his body is deteriorating as a result of his mistakes and attempts at reconciling them.

Shinjiro tentatively takes sips from the bottle. Aki starts lecturing him about the Kirijo Group's connections, how they can help, but Shinjiro couldn't give less of a damn about the Kirijo Group. He backs up on the bed until his head is against the wall and he shuts his eyes. "'S'fine," he maintains, but his voice comes out jagged and wrong and he feels embarrassed to be in this position.

Aki huffs, disheartened, and sets himself back onto the bed that he'd apparently gotten off of to get the water. He places his hands on Shinjiro's shoulders, grip firm but unsteady. Shinjiro noncommittally wonders if Aki's so responsive to this because he cares about him or if he's just afraid of losing someone else. The latter seems selfish, but honestly it's probably both. Shinjiro opens his eyes and looks at Aki, who seems particularly stricken. Shinjiro is sapped and silently hopes that Aki isn't going to cry again, for both of their sake.

Aki flounders like he has something important to say, but all that's leaving his mouth seems nonsensical right now. On the note of mouths, Shinjiro remembers in a flood what was happening just before this, how he was a little certain that Aki, his closest (and sometimes only) friend was going to ask to kiss him, and his body heats with shame. Thinking back on it, he was probably reading the entire mood wrong, idealistic and stupid. Maybe the suppressants' side effects are worth it because at least he didn't end up making a fool of himself and ruining the one good fucking thing he's got.

So color him surprised when Aki swallows and unwaveringly says "I love you."

\--

Akihiko's heart is beating in his ears and this is absolutely, completely, undeniably rash and he will undoubtedly regret this, but it just tumbles from his mouth. His brain is working a mile a minute to think of anything Shinji will listen to but he keeps on ignoring him and Akihiko's emotions are all rattled and it just comes out. It's kind of like a jumpscare in one of those horror games Junpei plays, because Akihiko is one step behind his impulses and when he catches up he's suddenly scared shitless. And he's said it before, he's told Shinji he loves him, Shinji _knows_ Akihiko loves him. But what he's talking about right now, this is a weird, different kind of love that he hasn't had the time to adequately deliberate. But there's a clear difference in intonation between the disparate loves, and Akihiko's tone was somewhere in-between.

Shinji's reaction seems... guarded. Like he's on the defensive, and Akihiko doesn't know what to make of that except that it's not definitively positive nor negative. He decides he needs to backtrack because he doesn't like this foundation of uncertainty he's standing on, it's unfamiliar and unpleasant. He takes his hands off of Shinji self-consciously. "Shit, I--" Akihiko doesn't know where to begin in order to fix this. He drags a hand through his hair, not sure what to do with himself. He feels like he's on fire--his whole body--just absolutely burning in embarrassment. "I don't mean to be weird. It's--uh, you know," his voice cracks on _know_ and he cringes internally at himself. Shinji sits up from where he's been slouching and gesticulates ambiguously like he doesn't know what to do either, cagey facade fracturing.

"No, no, it's--fine." Shinji's face turns red and it makes his bruises look weird. "Wh--" he begins and then stops. Shinji looks like he's thinking about something, weighing things out, all in the matter of a few seconds. He takes a breath. "I do too."

\--

Shinjiro can't look Aki in the eyes, haphazardly scanning every aspect of Aki's face--the eyelashes that are barely there, the slightly crooked line of his nose, the confused crease between gray eyebrows--but not his eyes, he can't manage that just yet. Aki is quiet but it isn't Shinjiro's role to fill the silence. They play a waiting game until Aki concedes,

"So, uh, we're talking... about the same thing. Right?"

Shinjiro decides then to meet Aki's gaze, and his answer seems to lie there. "Yeah. Yeah I think so."

That seems to give Aki confidence and he nods adamantly, reassuring the both of them. "I do. I really do love you, Shinji." There's something bright in Aki's eyes, something reminiscent of the way his eyes shine during a good fight, and it seems to ground everything back to reality.

Shinjiro's fingers are cold. They're nearly always cold but right now he's very aware of it, maybe in comparison to the heat Aki radiates. He carefully brings his hands to the area between Aki's waist and hips and rests them there. It should be criminal how warm Aki is. "Is this all right?"

Aki assents and Shinjiro thinks back on earlier, on the tension he thought he'd misread. But that train of thought brings him to thinking of the fit he had immediately following that tension, of what that fit means, of how he's going to be in the fucking ground soon, and then looking at Aki hurts like hell.

"Would it be all right if I kiss you?" Aki asks, the tips of his ears rosy, and Shinjiro feels like an audience member who knows something the protagonist doesn't. For a split second he has the overwhelming urge to throw up or cry but it passes as quickly as it came, and Aki is still looking at Shinjiro as though they're on the same page (which they are not). Shinjiro would love to melt into this moment, of course he would, but it's not in his nature and there is so much at stake.

Which path will wreak least destruction? Shinjiro would sure fucking like to know.

\--

"Yeah, sure," Shinji responds, seeming elsewhere, but Akihiko rolls his shoulders back regardless to ready himself. They move closer to one another in small, cautious increments until their lips press. It's chaste and inexperienced and Akihiko chuckles nervously. He's pretty sure neither of them have done this before, given him being awful with girls and Shinji being... Shinji. Akihiko tries to think of how films do it, how people kind of meld together--though, then again, he does prefer action movies. Akihiko puts one hand on Shinji's shoulder and uses the other to cup his jaw, gaining more stability. He tilts his head, trying to get the right angle, and sort of kisses Shinji's upper lip. It's soft and less chaste than the previous one, so maybe that's progress.

\--

Shinjiro Aragaki is a selfish shithead. He's a selfish shithead who might be out of his mind for Akihiko Sanada and if he didn't know better, he'd think it would be the death of him.

"It's fine, I mean it, anything is fine. Just go ahead," Shinjiro insists after Aki asks permission for something a third time, and Shinjiro gets his first good look at him in a while. Aki looks--good. He's disheveled and maybe a little unfocused, but the determination and anticipation he's wearing is the same look he has before a match he's going to win. Aki nods. He slowly fits his lips back against Shinjiro's before clumsily working his tongue into Shinjiro's mouth. _So that's what he'd been getting at._ But that's fine, more than fine, Shinjiro just doesn't know how to do this. He parts his lips and tugs Aki closer.

\--

Akihiko isn't sure if he's doing this right but he's coming to realize that he really likes being against Shinji like this. It feels safe. Shinji breaks them apart and adjusts Akihiko on his lap, ducking his head so his lips graze Akihiko's lower cheek when he speaks. "I want--" but he doesn't finish before he's overlapped by Akihiko.

"Uh huh," he nods, half based in understanding and half in impatience. Shinji makes a noise in acknowledgement and begins placing open-mouthed kisses just below Akihiko's jaw, soft and reverent. Akihiko didn't even realize his neck could be so sensitive--or maybe it's just because the wet sounds are reminiscent of AV movies (not that he's intimately familiar, he isn't)--but Shinji is getting to him way faster than expected. Shinji trails down Akihiko's neck and behind his ear, hands sliding down Akihiko's back and then farther.

"I love you, too. I meant to say it earlier," Shinji mumbles against the shell of Akihiko's ear, deferential as though he isn't groping him as he speaks. It sparks Akihiko somehow, buzzing liquid heat through his system, and he's never quite felt this far-gone.

\--

After they've cleaned up, making trips to the bathroom as well as to their respective bedroom for a change of clothes, Shinji reenters Akihiko's room, quiet.

"Hey," Akihiko greets from the bed, the hint of an easy smile on his lips. He feels loose. Malleable. A little sleepy, but overall happy. He pats beside him in gesture and Shinji gets the message. He plops down beside Akihiko but there's an apparent tension in the line of his shoulders. Akihiko quirks his head in question and asks what's up.

"Hm?" Shinji glances at him with a halfhearted attempt at confusion and then straight ahead. "Nothing." Rather than force his own conversation, Akihiko waits for Shinji to elaborate. A disconcerting nervous energy bounces off of him and he looks the opposite of how Akihiko feels. Shinji takes a deep, agitated breath before huffing it back out. "What just happened," he gestures ambiguously with his shoulder toward the area they had been, "that was--Was it just 'cause you were feeling emotional, or something? I won't hold it against you, seriously I won't. I just. You know. Don't want to be taking anything the wrong way." Shinji shrugs with feigned nonchalance. He insistently picks at the skin around his cuticles, eyes not meeting Akihiko's.

\--

It's stupid to bring it up, he really didn't want to. In fact, the plan walking back to Aki's room had been exactly to _not_ say dumb shit and he's already blown it.

"What?" The way Aki puffs up like he's being provoked makes Shinjiro want to make fun of him on impulse but he doesn't. "Of course not! What would even... make you think that?" The question seems to be rhetorical because Aki continues. "Shinji... You're one of the most important things in my life." Shinjiro chances a glance at Aki and their eyes meet, mutual gaze held. "Everything I said, I meant." The way Aki's eyebrows are knit and his eyes are so bright with earnesty is unbearably endearing. "I really love you, Shinji." It's so strange how comfortably the phrase already seems to roll out of Aki's mouth.

\--

There's something heavy and meaningful in Shinji's expression but Akihiko has never been one for reading faces. Shinji looks away and it doesn't feel like it's still Akihiko's birthday. The whole night feels so far away and it's been, what, a few hours since dinner? There's a creak as the mattress springs depress under Shinji, who leans over and kisses the edge of Akihiko's mouth. Shinji slides closer and cranes to rest his head at the junction between Akihiko's shoulder and neck, pecking the skin there with a kiss.

"I love you, too," Shinji mumbles against a bruise. "Idiot," he appends after a second, but Akihiko can feel something like a smile there.

\--

10/5 MONDAY, DAYTIME

The next time he cries, Akihiko is in Shinji's presence once again. Oddly enough, something good comes out of it again, too.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SOSO MUCH FOR READING!!!!! 
> 
> :,p plz leave a comment if u have something 2 say bcos... i love to talk (PARTICULARLY ABOUT AKISHINJI) and also love to receive reassurance that i'm not just shoveling words into a vacuum sfjgfl
> 
> (EDIT: PLZ FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ON TWITTER @puppybunnyseal)


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